A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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