If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
