i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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