What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
