onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We need a shit load of segways right now
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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