A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
