He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
