I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just high enough for therapy.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
