either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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