At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
