i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
