R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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