I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize