I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Randomize
