Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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