Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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