I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
