A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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