just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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