you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
