Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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