Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
