I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
