Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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