so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Please, let me fuck your mom
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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