I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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