I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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