New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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