A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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