i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
