You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
it's like iHOP with fire
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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