I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
where are you?
Hypothermia
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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