My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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