You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize