thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I party with great urgency now.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
