I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I understand Curling. That high.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
