I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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