I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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