it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
someone owes me an orgasm
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
