ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
