I will die if light touches me.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Randomize
