the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
