My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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