I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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