If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
