Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
