This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
