Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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