everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You ruined the universe
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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