You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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