My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
