how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize