A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
