I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
