So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
