just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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