we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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